The Prayer

A while back, I wrote about how Crystal Healer taught me the concept of asking from the universe and receiving. When it comes to love, it is possible to conjure the qualities you want in a man and simply to wish him to appear in your life. Despite the Cinderella ring to the whole notion, I listened very carefully. She told me to be very specific, after all, she was when she asked for her man and Prince Charming (now Mr Crystal Healer) really did appear four months later as if she had ordered him straight out of a catalogue. He was exactly as she had requested.

This idea of custom-making and pre-ordering Mr Right was nouveau to me - not just novel in its concept, but outright audacious in its nature. It leaves nothing of fate and to suggest that us mere mortals are capable of conjuring a dream partner practically reeks of withchcraft and godlessness. I battled with it, I really did. I'm not sure if it's Asian humility or just my family upbringing but asking and receiving with no reference to whether one deserves it or not, is just completely outrageous. Yet, somewhere in the inner sanctum of my consciousness, I liked it. I really really liked it. It made so much sense. What's the big deal? Ask and you shall receive! Who could resist what Crystal Healer was suggesting? Create the man and he will come! It's almost like Harry Potter being told he can have his parents back.

After alot of tossing and toying and wondering and debating, I got to work on my man.

Has anyone ever watched that '80s flick "Weird Science" starring Kelly LeBrock and Anthony Michael Hall? It's where these two teenage geeks stumble on a computer programme that enables them to create the woman of their dreams. Well, it's a little like that minus the technology and the big hair.

It took me a while to think up the qualities I wanted. It's hard to deal with intangibles. Physical attributes are easy. Tall, hunky, lean muscles, six pack, no BO are pretty much standard orders. Hobbies too came easily. I wanted him to be outdoorsy, to value nature, to enjoy travelling so we could wander the world together, to be adventurous etc etc. But his virtues, that was a bit harder. I will never forget my step mother in all her unrealised wisdom, who taught me the importance of kindness in a partner. Kind is not a thing that springs to mind when you are checking out guys at a party. Some girls checkout booty, others check out eyes and hands even, I check out hair on the head. Nobody checks out kindness. I have been out with unkind men. I tell you, it's a vital factor. It's whether he opens doors, whether he curses violently when the car in front slows down or just shrugs his shoulders and makes a joke instead, its whether he will yell at his mother in public or just deal with it in a dignified manner. It's true, it's the little things that matter.

So I finally got my list done, and it spanned a couple of pages. I mean, it's important to be meticulous in such a situation, no?

And everyday, I asked the universe. I added this 'prayer' to my list of prayers. I know what the universe must think. Here comes the demanding one again...

Funnily enough, months later, I believe the universe answered. It sent me The American. When Dear Friend saw him she gasped, gaped and gawked at the same time. When my gay friends saw his photo they Googled him. He climbs rocks like a fiend. He really kicks butt. He's a scientist. He's published 'findings'. When I saw his body, I silently thanked God for creating the world in all its beauty. He is thoughtful. He is unpretentious. He isn't throwing away Daddy's money. He's clean. He eats organic. He doesn't have BO! He fit my 'prayer' like a glove it was uncanny.

The problem is, and continues to be, me. I didn't fancy him. There wasn't an inkling of fancy. I liked him, he was nice but he did not make my heart race and my knees weak. There was nothing to not fancy and everything to fancy, but there was no fancy. End of story. I quickly smsed Yogi and asked if the universe ever got mad if one turned down something one asked for. Perhaps I had not been precise enough in my prayer. Perhaps what I thought I wanted was not what I wanted. Perhaps I did not know what I wanted.

The Universe sent me another candidate. Out of the blue, The Englishman made me a friend on an online community. As a friend of a friend I replied his message and we became friends. He made me laugh out loud with his wit, he was generous, he allowed me to ramble on about me, me and me. He acknowledged my oddballness and found it a laugh. He flew thousands of miles to see me and as touched as I was, I wasn't. So here again, on paper, the boy fit. Again, the problem is and will continue to be, me. I cannot say why not, I just cannot say yes.

Mind you, I'm not saying these two are throwing themselves at me. All I'm saying is that on my part, I cannot find the spark to even start the engine. I hope the universe is not mad at me. It appears to have answered my ad, only that now, I'm not sure whether the job opening is really there.

I wondered if perhaps I'm all loved up. That I had a go at love and I blew it and nothing will ever compare. That I've gone off the waves and cannot ever tune into the right frequency again. My quota is up.

But that's just so defeatist.

Or maybe what I want is not want I want. Maybe we know so little of ourselves that sometimes, it's impossble to break it down to a checklist of requirements. We know what we don't want, and we work from there, relying on instinct and 'a good feeling' to guide us to The One.

To be optimistic and positive about the whole thing, I am thankful for my two new Transatlantic friends. Though there's no lurve vibe going on, their appearance in my life has reinforced my belief that there are good men out there and that yes, they are in Asia too. Maybe the time is not right for me, maybe despite wanting to be loved, I'm not as hard up a I thought. Maybe I have no inkling of what I want in a partner, maybe I have worked myself into a corner with too many specifics. The bottom line is that it all reverts back to you. The good men are out there, they really are. Yes, single, available, good men of our age. The issue is not what's out there, it's what's going on inside. Inside you and inside me.