And Then There Was Light

It's not what life flings at you but what you unconsciously ask life for. Often, it's not bad luck's fault that it rains down on you, but quite likely that you created that black cloud in the first place. Sure, there are times when you slip up on banana peels that can't be traced back to you, but generally, I believe that things happen because you make it.

This weekend, during a break between the yellow and purple routes, there was a parting of the clouds. I had a chat with a friend about relationships - of course, what else? Topic of our lives, no?

We had both come to the same conclusion - independantly. A moment of light - or enlightenment? We concluded in all sincerity that there is no man out there for us and may never be. And I don't mean that in a manic depressive Wah Lai Toi victim way. Meaning that right here and right now, there will be no man.

Taking into consideration the person that I am now, the experiences I have lived, the values that I hold, my set of non negotiable priorities/issues/baggage/ideals, etc - I truly believe that there is really no one who will match up to what I am looking for.

Well, there is one little proviso - maybe, maybe this person does exist - but he's herding cattle somewhere in Texas (just watched Brokeback - sigh). No where near KL and not about to pop over - so that's about as likely as hail in Bangsar.

My friend and I have been conditioning ourselves to a future of singledom. (For me, it's even involved seeing sense in network marketing - unimaginable 4 years ago). So you see, you will see what you need to see, when it is time to see it. When you really need an answer, the solution will present itself. When you are ready to learn the teacher will appear.

Forever single is not so bad. It's not conventional. But the whole old maid thing is so passe. She died happy didn't she? CEO of her mind, body and soul, right? I mean, it's not as if we are dateless - there are always those, but there will no more mind-blowing connections.

A little sad, yes. But you know, in this past year, I have connected with so many amazing people who have in one way or another nurtured my battered soul? And I believe that as long as you seek what you truly need, it will come.

Which brings me back to my first point.

That is, that it cannot be that we are so unattractive, so baggage-laden, so uncaptivating that no one wants to shack up with us. It cannot be that ALL the good men have been taken or that not a single ounce of talent exists in this town we live in. Others find ideal mates, why can't we? Why is it when we were young and open, there was potential at every turn but now not one?

It boils down to this. It's what you ask of life without knowing you've asked for it. It's about the message you send out to the universe. It's about which station you are at on this railroad of life. Right now, I'm docked at Grand Central Me. My focus is within - for the first time in my life, I am acknowledging this person who lives in my head - the person who's been trying for the last 32 years to get a word in edgewise - Me. Getting to know me, getting to like Me. Before I just crammed copious amounts of grease into my mouth assuming that's what I wanted. These days I ask.

So if these are my priorities, what messages must I be sending to the universe? "Busy. Not here." Despite the wishing that the white knight will come striding in. Despite fantasising about the Italian count. Despite reserving my heart for Keanu/Brad/Jake, no matter how hard I wish, the message is still "Busy. Not here".

And that's no wonder why the ideal person has not come along. It's not bad luck. It's not cos I'm fat. It's not cos my life is meant to be bitter. It's right now, wrong time.