A Heel-less Heaven

Sorry to disappoint but there is no news. Not of ARA anyway.


Not that Edw and I are sitting on the edge of our seats or anything. But like I said, we are "hingeing"... with every new job scheduled, every new commitment made, we wonder at the possibility that it may not be fulfilled. Who knows?

Meanwhile, as the wait continues, the tricks continue to play on our minds - well, mine anyway. Do I want to bring it up again? Am I making too big a fuss? Do I want it that much? Is the future of my life's happiness hanging on a reality show? Shit, I don't think we're in, dammit we are sooooo in it's unreal.

Whatever. Yes, it is unreal.

Meanwhile, my food bingeing continues, as a response to stress, anxiety and a hotch-potch of mixed feelings yet to be identified. It's been a curious weekend.

A weekend of having to face the dreaded ex. A weekend of discovering broken promises. A weekend of curt questions and evasive answers. A weekend of revisiting my parent's divorce, in my mother's words.

Without going into too much detail, in essence, the issue is this: where do you draw the line between protecting a child from the same bad experiences you faced as one, and dictating the life of someone that is out of bounds to you now? If you are confused, imagine how I feel. There is a constant tension of wanting to let go of the past but not being able to do so completely for fear of upsetting the mental and emotional health of the little tot asleep next to me in bed.

The weekend ended with an interrupted night's sleep. Of waking up with a stuffed nose, to the sound of a downpour, to listening out for sounds of a leaky roof, to sleeping with my mouth wide open and drying it out, to waking from a disturbing dream of reconciling with an ex-fling! The clutter is growing again up there and I feel an incredible need to spring clean it by scaling the walls of Camp 5 - its all literally driving me up the wall!

Nevertheless, I continue to feel optimistic and in a funny way, happy. Alone and unbound by emotions and consideration for another, I am for the first time, truly happily single and unprepared at this stage, to give up my liberty for another half.

I roll around the bed happily by myself, watch MTV without shame, eat whenever and whatever I want, dress for me, my time is for me to choose, and all the things in between. I love the power of my own strength. I love having a new relationship to work on - the one with myself - where a spade is called a spade - and having TOTAL CONTROL over it. I also haven't indulged in my previous favourite past time - crying - I haven't cried for almost a year except for a little sniffle last week at the thought of leaving ZW to shoot ARA - if ever that happens!

In an odd kind of way, I am slowly learning the art of detachment. Of facing the stark reality that no matter how many children you have, how close you are to your family and how many mates you have around you, how many people report to you, how happy your 50-year old marriage is, you die alone. In the same form you came into this world (albeit with a few battle scars in the form of wrinkles, shrivelled breasts and the like), you will exit it. You may be buried in a coffin filled with Manolos but your soul travels beyond its confines sole-less - to a heaven or a hell of barefeet.

It's a reality that many of us take a lifetime to face. And I'm glad, for me anyway, that I am taking the first few baby-steps of approach.

I have lately been surprising my ditzy self with bulb-lighting revelations that can only be a result of divine intervention. I am thinking I must celebrate with a visit to Top Shop which currently has the most gorgeous spring summer collection that I have seen in a long while! If heaven (or hell) is indeed heel-less, more reason why I should wear them to death while I can right?