I really am. It must be hormonal. But smiling seems stupid when you are crying inside. And the suicide thoughts are back again. You know... as in what would be the best way to go?
Maybe cos turning 32 has more implications than I expected? Or maybe its just the natural downer everyone feels after a holiday? It can't be because its the end of a fling (when you didnt feel anything during). Some people believe that its the reality of my impending divorce hitting me.
I wish my emotions wouldn't get in the way all the time. Makes it hard to sort out the logic. When I think about my future rationally,. ie. what I have to do to pay my bills, what I plan to cook for dinner, etc, I can be quite sane.
But when I get ahead of myself and wonder oh my god am I going to die alone? Will I ever have another child? Is there happiness in this universe? - then I get a little hysterical and end up weeping like a sad git.
So pathetic. I am so not impressed with myself.
It's so melodramatic and unbecoming of a brave and ferocious tiger.
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