Lent For A Year

So Slapper and I were chatting on the phone last night and we ended up, as usual, back to the same topic of conversation. How is it that some girls get quality blokes with the snap of their fingers while others get nothing but sore thumbs from all the attempts?

Firstly, take me out of the equation. Slapper is hot. As in she's smouldering. She's got all the physical attributes a man would want. Legs up to her pits, huge jugs and a wide open mind. She's been single for years. Bridget-Jonesdom is her comfort zone. And though that's all fine and well, it really really pisses her off that no man has come along worthy of enticing her out of it. Yeah, she meets hot men, intelligent men even. So she come away with a couple of great conversations but no soul-meet-soul connections, no lab-sized blow-outs, nothing happening on a cellular level that believe it or not, seemed so plentiful back in the '90s. Let's not even get into the issue of being too demanding. Life is not meant to be lived in mediocrity. Is earth shattering, you-rock-my-world chemistry too much to ask for these days?

Slapper told me about her best friend: diamond-dripping, Christian Louboutin-heeled, Chanel-wielding, fabulosity on legs, society princess Kimora. Poor Kimora's awesome international merger of an engagement has fallen apart in just six short months. All sad and truly heartbreaking stuff, but guess what, Kimora is back in the fast lane. Within 2 months, she wiped her tears dry, powdered her nose and hey presto, hot, intelligent Prince Charming no. 2 turns up in his C/S/A-whatever class of an automobile and sweeps her off her feet.

Question: Who gets Prince Charming No. 2?
Answer: Many girls do. Smart, ugly, witty, beautiful, fat, short, uneducated, black, white, brown, red, etc etc girls the world over are getting connected mind, body and soul!

I guess that makes Slapper and I Martians passing up as Venusians on planet Mars. Hey, its not as if we're hard up. Jeez, no. We like being single. Most ardently. But you know, we are a little bored. How is it that chemistry was all abundant a decade ago but so unbelievably absent in the millenium? We can't blame alcohol either. While I've been dry now for almost a year, Slapper is still prone to Chardonnays on Sundays (as if the weekend binge didn't kill her off already), so not much going for that argument. Goddammit, dry or high, we just want someone to fancy.

So here's Kimora's secret.

In order for new things to come into your life, one must make sacrifices. Make space for fresh produce. Clean out the fridge. Out with the old, in with the new. Sacrifice something to show the universe how much you want it. (PS. this is radically different from what I proposed in my post entitled May The Force Be With You written November 2006 but never mind, let's just go with it)

So Kimora gave up....chocolate. Within months, she was married to the sweetest guy ever. OK, so that didn't last but the universe didn't stop giving. In reward for her denial of Kit Kats, ganaches and all things brown and gooey, the universe presented her with Prince Charming No. 2.

I totally see the logic in the proposoition (?? well, kind of). I gave up alcohol, smokes, parties and high-heels and got sobriety, sanity and a faint resemblance of knees back didn't I? OK, so maybe I'm grasping at straws but hey, anyone in their 30s would agree that its the new age of experimentation.

So, what would really be a sacrifice for me to give up?

To meet someone absolutely fascinating and mind-blowing, I will for one year, starting now, give up....drum roll...

I will give up Pork.