No Words

Yesterday, a friend walked into work, turned on his computer, opened his emails like we do day in, day out and discovered that his brother had passed away a week ago. It's not the best news to start the day off with, but then again, is there ever a good time for bad news?

I imagine he must have been in a daze, but he was surrounded by support, and the presence of a Tibetan monk, that whilst in no way makes the pain any lesser, is more than what most people have around them and I guess, makes that first day easier to deal with in the face of the many to come.

I watched my friend blink back the tears and carry on, step by step. I only imagine how difficult it must have been. And today is another day. Another day to carry the loss, and another day closer to healing.

Compassion welled up within me and my throat choked with emotion, yet I could find no words to say, no actions to impart that could make the pain go away.

Death confounds me. Over the years, I have come to realise that I don't know how to deal with it. Therefore, I have admired from a physical distance as my closest and dearest friends and family move through the motions of mourning the departed.

I would not say I am fortunate to be spared the experience so far, for whilst I do not wish death to come anytime soon or under tragic circumstances, I am aware that it is inevitable and so is dealing with it. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but it will somewhere down the line. I can only imagine the shock and pain and I truly doubt that I have it in me to see it through with grace.

I can only express my highest regard for people around me who have lost a mother, a father, a brother, a sister or a child. For they hold themselves up so well in the face of grief, and moved on in acceptance. It's strength in at its steeliest, bravery at its best and I have nothing but utmost admiration in return.

I just want to say to my friends and family who have lost, and you know who you are - that I am sorry I did not comfort you at a time it was most needed, for it's not that I do not care, it's just that I don't know how. I only know how to make people smile, but in the face of death, smiling just doesn't seem to be right. I have racked my mind for the most appropriate thing to say but it doesn't exist. Even sending my condolences or saying "I'm sorry" seems empty. Please take my silent presence as support for that's as much as I know how to give.