Worried Wart

If you could add up all the time that you spent doing something completely worthless, you could add a good 10 years to your life I reckon.

Take worrying, for example. Some worrying is good, mind you. Like if you are worried about an exam, it may just be the impetus you need to get some revision done.

The worrying I'm talking about is the type that is completely unfounded. Ie. the one that has nothing to do with what's going on outside, but everythng to do with what's going on inside - in your mind to be exact.

Those who read my last blog entry and those who spoke to me last week would have known of the plight that consumed me 24 hours a day for about 7 days. I fussed over my diet, over whether to rest or to climb more that week, and nights were restless as I went over moves on imaginary routes in my mind. I was tired before I even began.

Saturday came and went, as did Sunday and I realised from the moment I sat down to listen to the instructer, white-knuckled and tense, to the moment I unclipped my last quickdraw at the bottom of the route in Batu Caves, I realised that I had been wasting my time.

And I don't mean the lead climbing course.

I did not get kicked off the class, did not do anything unneccessarily stupid (except for forgetting to clip myself to the anchor on my first climb and for not screw-locking my carabina on the daisy chain). I may not have known the answer to some of the basics, but then again, I was there to learn. I was in essence, qualified to attend. And to appease my inner kiasu bitch, I don't think I was any lesser or weaker a climber than the rest of the 6 people who were on the same course, all of whom were male, by the way.

I have to consiously remind myself of how well I have done, how committed I am to it, how hard I work at it, and how lucky I am to have found a sport I can see myself doing for years to come. (Right now, I think I could devote my life to it, but that's cos I'm on a high.)

I do wonder that if I can apply this kind of self confidence to other areas of my life, that would a large problem solved wouldn't it? Why are we always doubting before we have a chance to prove ourselves? Why do we rely on reassurance to find our confidence?

I will never ever doubt my climbing again. Or allow anyone to cast a shadow of doubt over it. No, I am not a superb climber but I am not talking about standards here. I'm giving myself (the one with the forked tail sitting on my shoulder) a hard talking-to about knowing what I can do and what my limits are. It's highly personal information that only I am privy to and therefore nobody alive is in the position to sway me into self-doubt.

On that note, climbing ROCKS!