It's that time of the month when I.....

* Wonder why my life resembles the plot of Das Boot
* Ask myself what I want and my answers are the same as my son's - KitKat Chunky, KitKat Lemon Cheesecake, KitKat White Chunky, KitKat, KitKat, KitKat
* Sob uncontrollably watching festive commercials
* Turn into a knife-wielding psycho if my maid slices the carrots diagonally instead of julliening them
* Suck in my stomach and I still look alot like Roseanne Barr
* Have options but consider them to be obstacles
* Want to drink - alot - but can't handle the hangover(s)
* Think my life is hopeless and it is
* Truly believe that I will die the infatuated old woman at the beginning of Superman Returns minus the money
* Fool myself into believing that chee cheong fun, nasi lemak and Frosties cornflakes contain no carbohydrates nor sugar nor fat
* Want to buy a carton of Salem Lights and smoke the night away
* Dream of climbing but paranoid that I might leave a giant red stain on the wall that might be mistaken as a hand hold
*Actually buy daisies and rip out their petals whilst melodiously singing, "he loves me", "he loves me not" and then tearing their heads out of their stems
* Am so bloated, I may just float away like a giant red balloon.

Happy, happy Mid Week everyone!

School's Out!

Today is the last day my son will spend in his nursery school. It's the closing of a chapter for him and come January he will begin a new one as he steps beyond the gates of a big new school with red uniforms.

He skips happily to his classroom and it is me who feels the sadness creep up. As I walk down the long open hallways, pass the mini toilets and gaily-coloured pictures of friendly lions, I wonder if he knows that life for him is about to take one of its many twists and turns - you know, those inevitable ones that change everything as you know it to be.

I am the one sending out notes to the Mums, desperately willing for them to call me lest our children lose touch. When I think back to my primary school days and recall my best friends then, all I can see are blurred images with form but no features. Sadly, they are the ones that I've not kept in touch with since school broke out.

The older I get and as time winds its course around, the childish quality of detachment gets slowly eroded away and I find myself increasingly reaching out and grasping whatever I can to just try and slow it down. Permanence is always elusive, forever out of reach.

Nowhere

If only you knew
How I've tried to erase
Your eyes from my gaze
The smile on your face

If only you knew
About my spirit you've enlivened
The sins that I’ve forgiven
Of being shy once bitten

If only you knew
The rush of my heart
Yet the calm I impart
Each time you depart

If only you knew
Of the stories of our lives
You would be surprised
To see the world I've weaved and contrived

If only you knew
Of the heart I wish I could fill
Your soul I would capture
The passion we could instill

'Cos then we wouldn’t be here
Me at mine, you at yours
Way past midnight
Wondering if there could be more

If only you knew, if only you knew
If only

Worried Wart

If you could add up all the time that you spent doing something completely worthless, you could add a good 10 years to your life I reckon.

Take worrying, for example. Some worrying is good, mind you. Like if you are worried about an exam, it may just be the impetus you need to get some revision done.

The worrying I'm talking about is the type that is completely unfounded. Ie. the one that has nothing to do with what's going on outside, but everythng to do with what's going on inside - in your mind to be exact.

Those who read my last blog entry and those who spoke to me last week would have known of the plight that consumed me 24 hours a day for about 7 days. I fussed over my diet, over whether to rest or to climb more that week, and nights were restless as I went over moves on imaginary routes in my mind. I was tired before I even began.

Saturday came and went, as did Sunday and I realised from the moment I sat down to listen to the instructer, white-knuckled and tense, to the moment I unclipped my last quickdraw at the bottom of the route in Batu Caves, I realised that I had been wasting my time.

And I don't mean the lead climbing course.

I did not get kicked off the class, did not do anything unneccessarily stupid (except for forgetting to clip myself to the anchor on my first climb and for not screw-locking my carabina on the daisy chain). I may not have known the answer to some of the basics, but then again, I was there to learn. I was in essence, qualified to attend. And to appease my inner kiasu bitch, I don't think I was any lesser or weaker a climber than the rest of the 6 people who were on the same course, all of whom were male, by the way.

I have to consiously remind myself of how well I have done, how committed I am to it, how hard I work at it, and how lucky I am to have found a sport I can see myself doing for years to come. (Right now, I think I could devote my life to it, but that's cos I'm on a high.)

I do wonder that if I can apply this kind of self confidence to other areas of my life, that would a large problem solved wouldn't it? Why are we always doubting before we have a chance to prove ourselves? Why do we rely on reassurance to find our confidence?

I will never ever doubt my climbing again. Or allow anyone to cast a shadow of doubt over it. No, I am not a superb climber but I am not talking about standards here. I'm giving myself (the one with the forked tail sitting on my shoulder) a hard talking-to about knowing what I can do and what my limits are. It's highly personal information that only I am privy to and therefore nobody alive is in the position to sway me into self-doubt.

On that note, climbing ROCKS!

You Are What You Eat

So there I am sitting underneath the 6B+ route wondering why I can't reach the top when I had done so on two previous occassions, and why my climbing buddy yesterday could practise - practise - his he-moves on the purple (probably 6a) when I couldn't even lift my torso above the small - small - overhang at the top. It is a route I know I can fly up and I don't why I was struggling.

Now, I'm taking the plunge and taking the lead course this weekend, which means large falls are in order. There are climbers who climb far better than me who don't feel they are ready to do it. Yet, I'm impatient to get to the good stuff and well, some people think I'm ready, and I would love to believe them.

But I simply cannot afford to climb like the woose that I have been in the last few weeks and scramble up a 6a. To say that I am nervous does not do my wobbly jellied stomach any justice. I have been obsessing about lead climbing for the longest time and being the irratic climber that I have been just does not cut it.

So I have spent many hours pondering about my suddenly atrocious climbing. Bad habits overtake technique when you are desperate to make a move. I'm placing my hands far too high above my head, not twisting enough for holds and not using techniques like the drop knee that I have learned (and used!).

Then I realised my diet. When I was eating anything I could get my hands on - ie. overloading - I was strong - in fact, I had to consciously tell myself to let my feet do the work and not my upper body. Then I became vegetarian for a month and quite frankly, that killed my climbing ability - I just did not have the strength to get very far. I really began climbing like an idiot. Then I started eating like a pig again and then climbing improved. But now, since I've been on Atkins, I am findung that whilst I have the strength to get quite high up the wall, I don't have the endurance. I get pumped so easily it's not funny.

So theoretically, if I begin including carbohydrates again in my food this week, I ought to be on track to climb up 6Bs without red pointing it. Ahh, if only it were that easy. The confidence is rattled and without that, you could have all the muscle in the world but it would still have you climbing like an idiot.

So what to do? Neorvous like hell. The course is from 10-3 on Sat and Sun and I just have a nasty feeling I'm going to make a complete fool of myself in front of everyone. It's like being back at school again and not being able to do the math.

Inner voice speaks:
This attitude won't do! You know you can handle 6Bs! You have done it indoors and outdoors! You just need to eat properly and you will be fine! You are just as capable as eveyone else on the course! No the instructer is not going to pick on you! Stop acting like a big baby!

Yeah yeah whatever....Boohooo, I'm scared!

May The Force Be With You

I am the classic consumer. The one you want walking into your shop. Throw me anything with a story, and most likely, I'll lap it up and buy one in every colour.

Lately, strange things have been happening, that have lead to even stranger things. It began with the snatching of the handbag. Then came the losing of the parking ticket and subsequent RM50 fine. Then the three failed attempts to the IC department to apply for a replacement - it just so happens that each time I went, their system happened to be down. And then the corresponsing 3 - also failed - attempts to KLCC Maybank to bank in cash - because funnily enough, their system was also down. The straw on the camel's back? Maybank charging me RM50 for being overdrawn as a result of a cheque clearing before I could bank in the money.

My yoga-practicing friends urged me to clear my qi. The chakras were clogged, they said. Practive yoga everyday and sweat it out, said one. Come visit my friend, a crystal healer, said the other.

The consumer in me stirred and I ran, money in hand, in hope for solutions in return.

What I got out of my crystal healer was not what I expected. Firstly, by peering into my chakras she saw thoughts and feelings that I had not even begun to put into words. Things old and new that I had known inside but not outside. I came out feeling refreshed - yes - like I just had a good cry. And for days after I felt calmer, more settled and for once, accepting.

But now, a few weeks later, I am faced with several unanswered questions. You know, those that don't have an answer? Those that you will probably have to search your whole life for and then discover on your death bed that there is no answer?

Do you believe in the universe? Not just about the existence of the planets and stuff they teach you in encyclopaedias, but the energies that dwell within. Do you believe in 'angels'?

The whole notion of asking from the universe and receiving, is foreign to me. Reward was always something you earned, something you did more than just will. But the more I think of it, the more it makes sense. Why would I not receive if I asked? If the universe is loving, if good and bad are principles created by man and therefore inapplicable in the larger scheme of things, why would I be deemed to receive if I merely asked?

It does appear to be the easy way out. Want something? Well, just ask for it. But isn't that what we do sub consciously anyway? It's no secret that you can will things to happen because without realising it, you are conditioning your mind and will to achieve it.

Strange but true. Since my session with the healer, new opportunitities have come my way. And I suppose it would be easy to say that they came because I asked the universe. But equally easy also to say that they came because the session centred the subject in my mind and I talked to people about them and when you do, I suppose opportunities make themselves seen.

I don't claim to fully understand the power of the universe and how it works. But if anything came from cleaning my chakras, it was a reminder of the power of the universe and the reinforcement that yes, things do happen by what we view as chance - messages sent from someone/something upstairs to draw our attentions. And then, once we are engaged, our minds and will are powerfil. We do the rest of the work really.

We do determine the path of our own lives ultimately, but I believe, within a pre-detemined setting and unseen parameters, and certainly with a little help along the way.

That's what I believe anyway. Right now. But who knows? What I believed 10 years ago, I don't now, so who's to say what new beliefs lie in the future. But that's life isn't it? Change.

Say No To This!

Isn't Edwin a genius?

I don't know why he didn't post this. It is by far my favourite photo of the Fairground Series.

It was the second ride we went on - when we were in between feeling really good and really bad, so it was a good ride.

Did I mention we are going again this weekend? And bringing suckers with us? It's going to be a hoot!