We are so critical of ourselves.
Flicking through old photos at 1am this morning, I was caught up in a torrent of memories. How could I have forgotten about Babu's luscious Michelin arms? Or the time Bee, Edwin, Kamal and I took porn pictures of ourselves in London, nine years ago? Or that we did take pictures on that family trip to Sydney. Or about that box filled with photos of an ex-boyfriend - done so that I could lock the hurt away and open it again years later only to chuckle. And chuckle I did!
Of course, everyone looked younger, slimmer, fatter and with less grey. That's inevitable. But what dawned on me was just how critical of my looks I have been. Pictures of myself that once repulsed me were turning out to look quite good after all. Especially the preggy photos and those taken just after Babu's birth. Of course, the fat arms, double chin, bloated tummy and all did not miraculously disappear, but they weren't really the focus after all. There were other things in the shot that I had sub0consciously photoshopped away.
I remember thinking at the time that I had to be the ugliest mother alive. I hardly typified the image of the new slim mother taken with soft-lense, that dripped of sentiment and nostalgia. You know, the ones of your own mother taken back in the 70s - skinny, glowing and perfect. I distinctly remember feeling regret for Babu cos he would one day have to look back at his photos as a cute baby with his fat ugly mummy. Talk about post-natal delusion!
At 1am this mornig, staring back at me was, albeit a chubby, but nevertheless sweet, happy mother. The nostalgic and sentimental qualities were all there. I really was too harsh on myself.
Yes, some of the photos were taken during times of trouble, where aches were covered up with grins but you know, there is beauty in pain, relief in hurt and sweetness in sorrow. It isn't all bad.
6 comments:
Hear hear!
It's about acknowledging the pain, not ignoring it. It exists and is part and parcel of what makes us human.
We had great times in our youth. But there's nothing stopping us from having a better time now that we're a little older and wiser. Priorities may have changed. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is brighter than it has ever been.
And stop the repeat on scenes from P&P!
Hai lor...If we don't experience sorrow, how can we appreciate happiness? Everyday we learn a little more about ourselves. Sometimes beautiful and sometimes ugly but the little imperfections are what defines us. In a city like KL, we don't need to beat ourselves up because other people will do it quite happily. So embrace it all and channel it to positive energy!
for all those shitty times, would you like me to help you tattoo the mandarin character "pain" across your chest? we can use a black marker first.
oh ya no worries matey. not all hope is gone.i've got real yummy mummy/ MILF type photos taken of u and zw over the weekend (but mostly of yourself, you camera hogger you!)
you see, happy camera hogging moments! it's all good.
wow ppl really do read this blog after all. don't mock the camera hogging - if i wasn't a hogger, i never have realised my beauty. yeeeshh, a monster is born..
forget the black marker - just give me a knife!
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