I'm a little psychotic and I'm sure many people who know me will gladly attest to that. I don't know if it's the A-type personality I am told I have, or just the inherent kiasuness that comes with being Chinese.
It began to show when I decided to bring ZW down to Singapore for the weekend. The idea came from feeling so tired of KL. Long weekends looming in the horizon pushes people to think they can have a break from the monotony of where they live and gives them that shove to do plan a weekend getaway. The advantages and disadvantages of KL is its location. Bangkok - been there too often. Any further north - too far, too costly. Andaman islands - been there too often. Bali - been there too often. East Malaysia - feel like getting out of the country and using the passport. Singapore - hmmm, Singapore feels like a Western country invaded by Asians, like Vancouver minus the cold. Sounded good. Besides, it's child friendly, it's just down the road and I get to use my passport.
When I research something, I tend to get a little involved. I combed through Asiarooms and Directrooms, I double researched every hotel that suited my needs and the ones that didn't by visiting their website or if there wasn't, I searched for reviews, I read almost every review, I cliked on all the photos, I noted their location on a common map, I downloaded the Sentosa Island map, drew up an Excel chart of the attractions that would appeal to ZW and their location and cost, visited the Night Safari website only to strike it off the list because we have already been there, visited the website of First Coach, Airebus and Nice Bus, called and spoke to their personnel about price and availability, and even made 2 hotel room bookings.
By the end of the day, I felt I had already gone to Singapore five times and back, with three children.
So guess what? We're staying home in KL. In fact, on Saturday, I'm going to bake, have friends over, play mah jong and enjoy my house while I still have it!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Faraway Land
I made a resolution this year that each year, I would travel to somewhere new. It's so easy to fall into the Air Asia deal cycle and end up at the predictable destinations of Bangkok, Siem Reap, Bali, Shenzen or whatever. Whilst I am sure those places are great places to holiday, I refuse to allow my travel experiences be dictated solely by price and good deals.
The project this year is Rajasthan, in the northwest of India. I have always wanted to visit India, especially the Hawa Mahal in Jaipur, whihc has been to me, the epitome of mystery, romance, epic history and drama, an India I have always imagined and wanted to see.
The more I read up about Rajasthan, the more I am convinced it is exactly what I need to have in my portfolio of travel. It's the one place that can save me from the self imposed rut of mall-shopping wherever I go without depriving me of the need to spend in return for pretty things.
Rajasthan, with its desert, culture, architecture and history, for me, strikes the perfect balance between exoticsm, adventure, sightseeing and shopping that I wish.
So the wheel begins to turn. In 7 months' time, I'll be on a camel safari - actually sitting on a stinking, spitting, hissing animal, bound like a mummy from the shifting sands and sleeping out in the open desert. Sheeit!!
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Literally!
If you were to write something that is presumably going to be read by a large chunk of the literate nation, you would of course, apart from making sure it's damn well written, ensure you get your facts right, right?
I belong to a climbing group called F8 - a bunch of fellow climbers who literally hang outdoors once a month. A reporter from The Star came along last Sunday to climb with us as part of a feature she was writing for her publication.
Her article, as endearing as it is, is peppered with misinformation.
Let me attempt to clarify.
Firstly, F8 is not a club, but a group. We're not clubby, we're not in the least official (except for paying money to a treasurer to ensure our equipment doesn't fail us), we don't do club member stuff. We don't have logos/banners/a constitution/an HQ and other such clubby things. In fact, apart from our knots, we're loose - and constantly climb with just about anyone who will climb with us - be it indoors or outdoors.
Secondly, F8 does not maintain the Nyamuk Walls of Batu Caves. Maybe apart from Jon who owns some 'bolting equipment' , I don't think any of us even know how to put in a bolt let alone maintain one. People like me have a phobia of snakes, wildlife in close proximity and take a good ten minutes to clean an anchor, so maintainence is beyond my gene capabilities. I believe I am not alone. More importantly, nobody maintains the Nyamuk Walls.
Thirdly, Orange Juice is not a top rope route, nor are the other routes in Nyamuk necessarily only lead routes. What makes a route a top rope one or a lead one is whether there is a rope threaded through the anchor. If there is, then you can top rope it. If it isn't, you have to lead it. So basically, one can top rope a lead route - as I often do in Nyamuk.
If one had spent the last 6 weeks taking intensive climbing lessons, as the reporter claims she has, I would have thought this would have been made obvious.
I don't mean to gripe, but feel I must. Mis-reporting mis-informs and creates mis-conceptions of what climbing is. Yes, it is intimidating and daunting to those who are approching it for the first time. Especially if you have a fear of heights. Unfortunately, there is a fine line between encouraging people to try and completely putting them off. And something like rock climbing really doesn't need the bad rep.
I know reporters, I have friends who are, and I deal with them on a regular basis. Yes, they are the jaded bunch they are reputed to be. Articles, badly written or not, are not for me to correct in a public forum, but please, at least get your facts right, because as I said, as great as an article may turn out to be, it is rendered a little silly with a lack of meticulous fact checking.
I belong to a climbing group called F8 - a bunch of fellow climbers who literally hang outdoors once a month. A reporter from The Star came along last Sunday to climb with us as part of a feature she was writing for her publication.
Her article, as endearing as it is, is peppered with misinformation.
Let me attempt to clarify.
Firstly, F8 is not a club, but a group. We're not clubby, we're not in the least official (except for paying money to a treasurer to ensure our equipment doesn't fail us), we don't do club member stuff. We don't have logos/banners/a constitution/an HQ and other such clubby things. In fact, apart from our knots, we're loose - and constantly climb with just about anyone who will climb with us - be it indoors or outdoors.
Secondly, F8 does not maintain the Nyamuk Walls of Batu Caves. Maybe apart from Jon who owns some 'bolting equipment' , I don't think any of us even know how to put in a bolt let alone maintain one. People like me have a phobia of snakes, wildlife in close proximity and take a good ten minutes to clean an anchor, so maintainence is beyond my gene capabilities. I believe I am not alone. More importantly, nobody maintains the Nyamuk Walls.
Thirdly, Orange Juice is not a top rope route, nor are the other routes in Nyamuk necessarily only lead routes. What makes a route a top rope one or a lead one is whether there is a rope threaded through the anchor. If there is, then you can top rope it. If it isn't, you have to lead it. So basically, one can top rope a lead route - as I often do in Nyamuk.
If one had spent the last 6 weeks taking intensive climbing lessons, as the reporter claims she has, I would have thought this would have been made obvious.
I don't mean to gripe, but feel I must. Mis-reporting mis-informs and creates mis-conceptions of what climbing is. Yes, it is intimidating and daunting to those who are approching it for the first time. Especially if you have a fear of heights. Unfortunately, there is a fine line between encouraging people to try and completely putting them off. And something like rock climbing really doesn't need the bad rep.
I know reporters, I have friends who are, and I deal with them on a regular basis. Yes, they are the jaded bunch they are reputed to be. Articles, badly written or not, are not for me to correct in a public forum, but please, at least get your facts right, because as I said, as great as an article may turn out to be, it is rendered a little silly with a lack of meticulous fact checking.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
So No Life Pt 2
So I steal things from other people's blogs. So what? Here's another:
() Stolen a car
(x) Been in love - Ouch
(x) Been dumped - Double Ouch
(x) Shoplifted
() Been in a fist fight
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
() Been arrested
() Made out with a stranger
() Done more with a stranger
() Had a crush on a teacher
( ) Seen someone die
(x) Been on a plane
() Met someone in person from the Internet - Many persons!
( ) Been moshing at a concert
(x) Been in an abusive relationship
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now
(x) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) Made a snow angel
(x) Had a tea party
(x) Flown a kite
(x) Built a sand castle
(x) Gone puddle jumping
(x) Played dress up
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) Gone sledding
(x) Cheated while playing a game
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school - Please tell me who hasn't
(x) Used a fake id
(x) Watched the sunset - I'm still waiting
( ) Felt an earthquake
() Touched a snake
(x) Slept beneath the stars
(x) Been tickled
(x) Been robbed
(x) Been misunderstood
() Petted a reindeer/goat - ??
(x) Won a contest
( ) Been in a car accident
() Had braces
(x) Felt like an outcast
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Had deja vu
( ) Danced in the moonlight
(x) Hated the way you look
( ) Witnessed a crime
( ) Pole danced
(x) Questioned your heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) Squished barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost
(x) Been to the opposite side of the WORLD
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) Sung karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under a mistletoe - Now that would be nice
(x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about - Read 'sunset'
(x) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
(x) Gone rollerskating
(x) Had a wish come true
( ) Humped a monkey - What the ?!@%$#?
( ) Ate dog/cat food - Again, what the %@?!#&?
(x) Told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) Kissed a mirror
(x) Sang in the shower
(x) Have a little black dress
(x) Had a dream that you married someone
(x) Glued your hand to something
( ) Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) Kissed a fish
(x) Worn the opposite sexes clothes
( ) Been a cheerleader
(x) Sat on a roof top
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) Done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours in a row
(x) Stayed up all night
( ) Didn't take a shower for a week
() Pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) Climbed a tree
( ) Had a tree house
(x) Are scared to watch scary movies alone
( ) Believe in ghosts
(x) Have more then 30 pairs of shoes
(x) Worn a really ugly outfit just to see what others say
( ) Gone streaking
( ) Played ding-dong-ditch
( ) Played chicken
(x) Got pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
( ) Broken a bone
(x) Been easily amused
( ) Caught a fish then ate it
() Made porn
( ) Caught a butterfly
(x) Laughed so hard you cried
(x) Cried so hard you laughed
(x) :P mooned/flashed someone
(x) Had someone moon/flash you
(x) Cheated on a test
() Have a Britney Spears CD
(x) Forgotten someone's name
(x) Slept naked
(x) French braided someone's hair
() Gone skinny dipping in a pool
(x ) Been kicked out of your house
() Stolen a car
(x) Been in love - Ouch
(x) Been dumped - Double Ouch
(x) Shoplifted
() Been in a fist fight
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
() Been arrested
() Made out with a stranger
() Done more with a stranger
() Had a crush on a teacher
( ) Seen someone die
(x) Been on a plane
() Met someone in person from the Internet - Many persons!
( ) Been moshing at a concert
(x) Been in an abusive relationship
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now
(x) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) Made a snow angel
(x) Had a tea party
(x) Flown a kite
(x) Built a sand castle
(x) Gone puddle jumping
(x) Played dress up
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) Gone sledding
(x) Cheated while playing a game
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school - Please tell me who hasn't
(x) Used a fake id
(x) Watched the sunset - I'm still waiting
( ) Felt an earthquake
() Touched a snake
(x) Slept beneath the stars
(x) Been tickled
(x) Been robbed
(x) Been misunderstood
() Petted a reindeer/goat - ??
(x) Won a contest
( ) Been in a car accident
() Had braces
(x) Felt like an outcast
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Had deja vu
( ) Danced in the moonlight
(x) Hated the way you look
( ) Witnessed a crime
( ) Pole danced
(x) Questioned your heart
(x) Been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) Squished barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost
(x) Been to the opposite side of the WORLD
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) Sung karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under a mistletoe - Now that would be nice
(x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about - Read 'sunset'
(x) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
(x) Gone rollerskating
(x) Had a wish come true
( ) Humped a monkey - What the ?!@%$#?
( ) Ate dog/cat food - Again, what the %@?!#&?
(x) Told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) Kissed a mirror
(x) Sang in the shower
(x) Have a little black dress
(x) Had a dream that you married someone
(x) Glued your hand to something
( ) Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) Kissed a fish
(x) Worn the opposite sexes clothes
( ) Been a cheerleader
(x) Sat on a roof top
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) Done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours in a row
(x) Stayed up all night
( ) Didn't take a shower for a week
() Pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) Climbed a tree
( ) Had a tree house
(x) Are scared to watch scary movies alone
( ) Believe in ghosts
(x) Have more then 30 pairs of shoes
(x) Worn a really ugly outfit just to see what others say
( ) Gone streaking
( ) Played ding-dong-ditch
( ) Played chicken
(x) Got pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
( ) Broken a bone
(x) Been easily amused
( ) Caught a fish then ate it
() Made porn
( ) Caught a butterfly
(x) Laughed so hard you cried
(x) Cried so hard you laughed
(x) :P mooned/flashed someone
(x) Had someone moon/flash you
(x) Cheated on a test
() Have a Britney Spears CD
(x) Forgotten someone's name
(x) Slept naked
(x) French braided someone's hair
() Gone skinny dipping in a pool
(x ) Been kicked out of your house
Monday, March 19, 2007
So No Life
One of your scars, how did you get it?
The one on my right knee. In primary school, as I was walking to asssembly which was held on an untarred stretch of road. Some kid ran past and pushed me causing me to fall over and bleed to near death – well, almost.
What music do you like to listen to?
I like the sound of male bands. Duranduran (the early years), The Killers, U2, Suede, Pink Floyd, the like.
Do you know what time you were born?
About 7 in the evening when the tigers come out to hunt.
What do you want more than anything right now?
Equilibrium.
What is your most prized possession?
My son.
Do you get scared in the dark?
Not if I’m PMSing, no, ‘cos then I’m the monster lurking in the dark. Normally, a little. Especially if I’ve just accidentally watched a horror movie trailer.
What kind of hair do you like on the opposite sex?
Mmmm…not long as in Fabio, not mullet as in German rockstar, not bald or too closely cropped, not bobbed. Anything else is fine.
Where can you see yourself being proposed to at?
Near water – beach/lakeside/snow/pier.
Coffee or energy drinks?
Neither but a kopi tambah manis is great when I’m in the mood.
Favorite pizza topping?
Everything on it.
If you can eat anything right now, what would it be?
Zinger or Chicken McDeluxe. Or a really huge prime rib straight off the Vegas strip with some New Orleans onion rings to go with it.
Who's the last person you made mad?
The person I once had the misfortune of marrying.
Do you speak other languages?
For laughs, Malay and Cantonese. For hysterics, French and Mandarin.
Would you fall in love knowing that the person is leaving?
Do you ever have a choice?
What's the best way to tell someone how much they mean to you?
Haha… write them a letter and watch it all crumble before your eyes.
Blondes or brunettes?
Lately, blondes.
What annoys you most?
Locally produced advertisements.
Your weaknesses?
Men, shoes, clothes, emotions.
Where were you born?
Bangsar.
First job?
Perfume pusher.
What were you doing before filling out this survey?
Surfing Oprah.
If you could get plastic surgery, what would it be?
Lipo on my arms, back, thighs, tummy, face; nose job, boob job, butt lift.
What do you get complimented about most?Hair, when it was long. Tan, when I had one. Skin, when it was flawless. Legs, pre-cellulite. Figure, pre-kid.
What do you want for your birthday?
An all expense trip to far, far away.
How many kids do you want?
3.
The one on my right knee. In primary school, as I was walking to asssembly which was held on an untarred stretch of road. Some kid ran past and pushed me causing me to fall over and bleed to near death – well, almost.
What music do you like to listen to?
I like the sound of male bands. Duranduran (the early years), The Killers, U2, Suede, Pink Floyd, the like.
Do you know what time you were born?
About 7 in the evening when the tigers come out to hunt.
What do you want more than anything right now?
Equilibrium.
What is your most prized possession?
My son.
Do you get scared in the dark?
Not if I’m PMSing, no, ‘cos then I’m the monster lurking in the dark. Normally, a little. Especially if I’ve just accidentally watched a horror movie trailer.
What kind of hair do you like on the opposite sex?
Mmmm…not long as in Fabio, not mullet as in German rockstar, not bald or too closely cropped, not bobbed. Anything else is fine.
Where can you see yourself being proposed to at?
Near water – beach/lakeside/snow/pier.
Coffee or energy drinks?
Neither but a kopi tambah manis is great when I’m in the mood.
Favorite pizza topping?
Everything on it.
If you can eat anything right now, what would it be?
Zinger or Chicken McDeluxe. Or a really huge prime rib straight off the Vegas strip with some New Orleans onion rings to go with it.
Who's the last person you made mad?
The person I once had the misfortune of marrying.
Do you speak other languages?
For laughs, Malay and Cantonese. For hysterics, French and Mandarin.
Would you fall in love knowing that the person is leaving?
Do you ever have a choice?
What's the best way to tell someone how much they mean to you?
Haha… write them a letter and watch it all crumble before your eyes.
Blondes or brunettes?
Lately, blondes.
What annoys you most?
Locally produced advertisements.
Your weaknesses?
Men, shoes, clothes, emotions.
Where were you born?
Bangsar.
First job?
Perfume pusher.
What were you doing before filling out this survey?
Surfing Oprah.
If you could get plastic surgery, what would it be?
Lipo on my arms, back, thighs, tummy, face; nose job, boob job, butt lift.
What do you get complimented about most?Hair, when it was long. Tan, when I had one. Skin, when it was flawless. Legs, pre-cellulite. Figure, pre-kid.
What do you want for your birthday?
An all expense trip to far, far away.
How many kids do you want?
3.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Since when has it been a crime to want more?
Two weekends ago, I spent a sweltering Saturday night out in one of the hottest spots of KL's night life. As I walked passed ISKL teenagers downing tequila shots, the latest Dior bags wearing their wearers and supposed 'It' girls sashaying out of BMWs (a sight to behold I warn you), I realised it was a scene I did not miss. On the unfashionable end of the Asian Heritage Row, in a trendy restaurant bathed in the neon glow of the mamak shop across the street, an old friend and I dined on the garlickiest fettucine and the cheesiest risotto on the strip.
Princess and I have known each other for a good ten years. I used to go out with her brother, so we were forced from the start, to like one another. But then, she is not difficult to like and over the years, as romance faded from the relationship that brought us together, our friendship has managed to withstand the superficiality of KL friendships - we swear to 'do lunch' and end up actually 'doing' dinners instead, rare as they may be.
Princess is extremely eligible. If she was a horse, many would say she is of good breeding but then, she is not. She comes from a perfectly respectable family, is well educated, works hard at her career, is well dressed, pretty, fashionable and above all, mature and intelligent. The problem she faces is that everyone - especially her mother, reckons she is a bit odd.
You see, Princess has remained single ever since she returned from the UK - a good 5 years ago at least. Even more mind boggling to many, is that she has chosen to remain single.
Her mother is at a loss of words and is on the verge of a crisis. Her friends have run out of male friends to introduce her too and guys whom she wants to be 'just friends' with think she's playing them. And poor Princess is just sick and tired of everyone around her asking "who?", "when", "why", "how" and "what?"
"Who are are you waiting for?"
"When will you find a boyfriend and get married?"
"Why won't you go out with so and so?"
And etc etc...
Why is it a crime to want more? Why is it a crime to expect more out of life? Why on earth should she just date someone just 'cos its expected? Many of you single women out there would agree with me in saying that as it is, talent is lean in this town. Mind you, that's not say that Malaysian men are of a lesser breed. No not that at all. Only that we - the women who expect more - connect lesser with them.
We want to be with the one who takes our inquisitive minds to places its never imagined, make our hearts sing in tune for once, make us laugh like hyenas, makes us feel like Elizabeth Taylor and make our bodies sizzle like sausages on a hot grill! The one that rocks our world, shakes our foundations. The one that makes it all worth the while. Is that asking too much?
I have blogged enough about this, dating someone you are SO not into, is not only unfair to the guy (especially if he is into you), it's downright tedious. Staying at home watching reruns of CSI is far more appealing.
People get me wrong and call me a snob, just like they call Princess a snob. But in this day and age where we are striving for more as women - better pay, more senior positions at work, voting rights at outdated country clubs we belong to, why, oh why then, is society telling us to settle for less?
And you know what? Let's leave society out of it for the moment. It's women themselves judging other women by indirectly telling them that they are worth less walking into a party on their own instead of off the arm of a distinguished man. Women are the ones reminding us that our shelf life is running out when they constantly moan about the importance of really knowing a man before marrying them. Mothers are the ones rushing their daughters into marriages when many of them bitterly regret theirs. And so on so forth. Oh, the irony of it all.
And the men? Well, they never go into too much detail. They just think we're a bunch of lezzas.
Princess and I have known each other for a good ten years. I used to go out with her brother, so we were forced from the start, to like one another. But then, she is not difficult to like and over the years, as romance faded from the relationship that brought us together, our friendship has managed to withstand the superficiality of KL friendships - we swear to 'do lunch' and end up actually 'doing' dinners instead, rare as they may be.
Princess is extremely eligible. If she was a horse, many would say she is of good breeding but then, she is not. She comes from a perfectly respectable family, is well educated, works hard at her career, is well dressed, pretty, fashionable and above all, mature and intelligent. The problem she faces is that everyone - especially her mother, reckons she is a bit odd.
You see, Princess has remained single ever since she returned from the UK - a good 5 years ago at least. Even more mind boggling to many, is that she has chosen to remain single.
Her mother is at a loss of words and is on the verge of a crisis. Her friends have run out of male friends to introduce her too and guys whom she wants to be 'just friends' with think she's playing them. And poor Princess is just sick and tired of everyone around her asking "who?", "when", "why", "how" and "what?"
"Who are are you waiting for?"
"When will you find a boyfriend and get married?"
"Why won't you go out with so and so?"
And etc etc...
Why is it a crime to want more? Why is it a crime to expect more out of life? Why on earth should she just date someone just 'cos its expected? Many of you single women out there would agree with me in saying that as it is, talent is lean in this town. Mind you, that's not say that Malaysian men are of a lesser breed. No not that at all. Only that we - the women who expect more - connect lesser with them.
We want to be with the one who takes our inquisitive minds to places its never imagined, make our hearts sing in tune for once, make us laugh like hyenas, makes us feel like Elizabeth Taylor and make our bodies sizzle like sausages on a hot grill! The one that rocks our world, shakes our foundations. The one that makes it all worth the while. Is that asking too much?
I have blogged enough about this, dating someone you are SO not into, is not only unfair to the guy (especially if he is into you), it's downright tedious. Staying at home watching reruns of CSI is far more appealing.
People get me wrong and call me a snob, just like they call Princess a snob. But in this day and age where we are striving for more as women - better pay, more senior positions at work, voting rights at outdated country clubs we belong to, why, oh why then, is society telling us to settle for less?
And you know what? Let's leave society out of it for the moment. It's women themselves judging other women by indirectly telling them that they are worth less walking into a party on their own instead of off the arm of a distinguished man. Women are the ones reminding us that our shelf life is running out when they constantly moan about the importance of really knowing a man before marrying them. Mothers are the ones rushing their daughters into marriages when many of them bitterly regret theirs. And so on so forth. Oh, the irony of it all.
And the men? Well, they never go into too much detail. They just think we're a bunch of lezzas.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Yeesh, Love Again
How many times have you sat there with your girl friends asking yourselves what love is. And you rake through your resume of boyfriends and assess each relationship only to gaze back at each other with a resounding no. No. We do not know what love is. We do not know what love is because we have never loved.
See, I have been in such a situation before. I have sat there countless times, and had this same conversation, with the same people. And each time, despite having had amazing relationships, and sometimes during an amazing relationship, we each concluded that we do not know what love is.
Funny that thing called love. You just can’t write about without sounding like a catalogue of old songs. Its very nature is clichéd.
My theory is this. That being in love is one thing. But knowing what love is quite another. You see, of course people find love. The love that everyone talks about. The love that makes the world go round. The one that everyone wants. That rare elixir of life that nourishes the being. Mostly people do recognize it and are grateful for being blessed. And they go on and live happily ever after until one dies and the other one dies soon after from suffocation (‘cos when you love deeply and a lover goes, you can’t breathe).
But then there are other people who are not so switched on. Those who maybe don’t know themselves so well. Or others who are so entangled with issues that they cannot grasp the notion without tripping and falling flat on their faces. Others are maybe a combination of the two. They just don’t see the trees from the woods and are unable to identify that love has hit them in full force.
I am one such person. I found love and it was a lightning bolt. Not a loud one. But there was certainly a jolt that came from within that electrified me into noticing that this person was worth more than just a glance. That was finding love. Finding love is loud. It’s exciting, mind-boggling, heart-racing, pulse-hyperdrive, sensational and irrational kind of stuff. It’s vivacious and bursting with flavour. It makes you happy, it makes you suicidal, it makes you feel alive.
That’s all well and good, but finding love is one thing. But knowing it, is quite another. You could very well have found the love yet be completely oblivious to it. And then you sit in that café with your girls and talk about how great this guy is but, heck, you don’t know what love is ‘cos we expect more, more, more.
I know that there are things that you are just born knowing. But if you are say, too young or too tanked up with issues, or maybe even too afraid, how do you identify one happiness from another? What separates one good boyfriend from another? You can’t and therefore, you think you haven’t found true love, because you think true love is an aggressive creature and it’s supposed to hit you in the face until your black and blue because it will not be ignored.
What we expect of love is what we see in the movies. But we forget that movies are a condensed version of life. Yes, some things are portrayed realistically and some things aren’t – but they all have to fit into a 3-hour slot or else people wouldn’t come and watch. So we always expect and wait for a clear and unmistakable sign or act and ignore the slow realizations - the ones staring at you in the face. We wait and wait for the clouds to part and for love to shine on to us, but has anyone ever told you that’s not how it happens in real life?
Alas, really knowing true love is subtle and quiet and has none of the showiness that first attracted you to it. For some people, it could take years to realize that they truly loved and were loved in return. Knowing love is like the silent dawn. The one where you are convinced it’s the dead of night and suddenly when you least expect it, there’s a glimmer of light in the horizon. It’s as unstoppable as the sunrise but just as sure. And before you know it, you just know it and its broad daylight. A new day has dawned, and it’s dawned upon you and finally and quite simply, you know.
For some, like me, the dawn comes late. Sometimes the lover has fled the scene and you are enjoying the sunrise alone. Now, that is a sorry situation to be in. What can I say? Well, on the bright side, you are no longer in the dark.
See, I have been in such a situation before. I have sat there countless times, and had this same conversation, with the same people. And each time, despite having had amazing relationships, and sometimes during an amazing relationship, we each concluded that we do not know what love is.
Funny that thing called love. You just can’t write about without sounding like a catalogue of old songs. Its very nature is clichéd.
My theory is this. That being in love is one thing. But knowing what love is quite another. You see, of course people find love. The love that everyone talks about. The love that makes the world go round. The one that everyone wants. That rare elixir of life that nourishes the being. Mostly people do recognize it and are grateful for being blessed. And they go on and live happily ever after until one dies and the other one dies soon after from suffocation (‘cos when you love deeply and a lover goes, you can’t breathe).
But then there are other people who are not so switched on. Those who maybe don’t know themselves so well. Or others who are so entangled with issues that they cannot grasp the notion without tripping and falling flat on their faces. Others are maybe a combination of the two. They just don’t see the trees from the woods and are unable to identify that love has hit them in full force.
I am one such person. I found love and it was a lightning bolt. Not a loud one. But there was certainly a jolt that came from within that electrified me into noticing that this person was worth more than just a glance. That was finding love. Finding love is loud. It’s exciting, mind-boggling, heart-racing, pulse-hyperdrive, sensational and irrational kind of stuff. It’s vivacious and bursting with flavour. It makes you happy, it makes you suicidal, it makes you feel alive.
That’s all well and good, but finding love is one thing. But knowing it, is quite another. You could very well have found the love yet be completely oblivious to it. And then you sit in that café with your girls and talk about how great this guy is but, heck, you don’t know what love is ‘cos we expect more, more, more.
I know that there are things that you are just born knowing. But if you are say, too young or too tanked up with issues, or maybe even too afraid, how do you identify one happiness from another? What separates one good boyfriend from another? You can’t and therefore, you think you haven’t found true love, because you think true love is an aggressive creature and it’s supposed to hit you in the face until your black and blue because it will not be ignored.
What we expect of love is what we see in the movies. But we forget that movies are a condensed version of life. Yes, some things are portrayed realistically and some things aren’t – but they all have to fit into a 3-hour slot or else people wouldn’t come and watch. So we always expect and wait for a clear and unmistakable sign or act and ignore the slow realizations - the ones staring at you in the face. We wait and wait for the clouds to part and for love to shine on to us, but has anyone ever told you that’s not how it happens in real life?
Alas, really knowing true love is subtle and quiet and has none of the showiness that first attracted you to it. For some people, it could take years to realize that they truly loved and were loved in return. Knowing love is like the silent dawn. The one where you are convinced it’s the dead of night and suddenly when you least expect it, there’s a glimmer of light in the horizon. It’s as unstoppable as the sunrise but just as sure. And before you know it, you just know it and its broad daylight. A new day has dawned, and it’s dawned upon you and finally and quite simply, you know.
For some, like me, the dawn comes late. Sometimes the lover has fled the scene and you are enjoying the sunrise alone. Now, that is a sorry situation to be in. What can I say? Well, on the bright side, you are no longer in the dark.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Flood Waters
I am sorry to say that I am taking a break from this blog. Many things are happening in my life right now that require my serious attention and focus, many of which dig into the very core of my personal life. There are many issues and experiences to blog about but sadly, it's something I am only willing to share anonymously. So, as you know who I am in 'real' life, know what I do, what I like to eat and where I climb, until all these issues are resolved and life takes on its rose-tinted, light-heartedness once again, I bid you adieu.
This blog has helped tremendously along my journey and I've tried hard here to be truthful and honest. I won't be serving it any justice by blogging about trivia that does not touch on what I am feeling at the moment. And in case that sounded like I'm having a major meltdown, I'm not. I'm feeling what everyone in their thirties feels, only my life has spun itself into more complications than the regular.
If you notice, this is not the first time on this blog that I have taken a hiatus. It just needs to be done every now and then. Time now, to move on to another subject - to lie low until the flood waters recede (sorry, I have to make some reference to the sad situation down south). Perhaps its time to revive the old food blog.
Thank you for stopping by and for all your thoughtful comments. I am grateful for the interest and the sharing.
This blog has helped tremendously along my journey and I've tried hard here to be truthful and honest. I won't be serving it any justice by blogging about trivia that does not touch on what I am feeling at the moment. And in case that sounded like I'm having a major meltdown, I'm not. I'm feeling what everyone in their thirties feels, only my life has spun itself into more complications than the regular.
If you notice, this is not the first time on this blog that I have taken a hiatus. It just needs to be done every now and then. Time now, to move on to another subject - to lie low until the flood waters recede (sorry, I have to make some reference to the sad situation down south). Perhaps its time to revive the old food blog.
Thank you for stopping by and for all your thoughtful comments. I am grateful for the interest and the sharing.
Friday, January 05, 2007
New Year, New Beginnings
Happy New Year everyone. May 2007 bring you lashings of happiness, good fortune and health. May you find what it is you are looking for.
I certainly hope I do.
The fact that my microwave broke down as it was defrosting my leftover lasagna and my new-ish Nokia decided not to work as I was receiving new year messages left me wondering. As I pondered whether someone upstairs was trying to tell me something about my life, the pen I was writing with broke in half and my son dropped the house phone thereby rendering it unworkable.
This is after I discovered a few days before 2006 closed its sleepy eyes that my maid had been sneaking out of the house to meet her Mexican boyfriend and giving out my home address to literally, every Tom, Dick and Harry.
Then a series of little mishaps, my Touch 'N Go card refusing to work as I exited a shopping mall, my electric gate refusing to lock, my cheques bouncing because of the holiday period and the bank charging me RM100 for it, my son starting school with a schedule that no flexi-time could possibly adhere to. All this culminated in some rapid decision-making as 2006 handed over the torch to 2007. The live in maid structure goes, I will do everything myself with the help of a part timer. I am selling my house and buying a new apartment. Returning to full time and a full bank account has to wait until some dust settles.
I don't mean to begin the new year with a big whinge and frankly, I don't see it that way at all. In fact, I have discovered that while gardening is absilutely no fun at all, hanging clothes up to dry is.
Yes it's certainly an unusual situation to find oneself in and though some may argue I am denial, I think not. I am sitting alone in a dark house after throwing out the garbage with a wry smile on my face rather that in a pond of salty tears. The shit has hit the fan and funnily enough,I reckon that shit raining down on you is an experience one must savour at least once in their life time.
I guess, it's all a message, a cause and effect. Perhaps I ventured on with my life too soon. Rushed into things. Ran a hasty race. Cut too many corners. Too eager to get to the finish line first with all the trophies in hand. And certain foundations, pillars and corner stones were not put in place.
Lesson No. 1: You can't get from A to Z and bypass all the letters in the alphabet without a proper infrastructure in place.
So 2007 begins back at square 1. It's back to basics beginning with a process of re-evaluation, putting workable and reliable systems in place and only thereafter can the building blocks come out to play.
I suppose not everyone will have a blast doing this. It is in essence, taking several steps backwards, but a move that is both necessary and essential for any future growth. I am as ever, grateful for this to happen now - better sooner than later I have been saying.
This is not about of horrid luck, in fact, its a blessing in disguise.
So whilst I don't wish shit to rain down on everyone (there must be a better way of doing this!), but I do wish you all progress, smooth transitions and welcoming chapters.
I certainly hope I do.
The fact that my microwave broke down as it was defrosting my leftover lasagna and my new-ish Nokia decided not to work as I was receiving new year messages left me wondering. As I pondered whether someone upstairs was trying to tell me something about my life, the pen I was writing with broke in half and my son dropped the house phone thereby rendering it unworkable.
This is after I discovered a few days before 2006 closed its sleepy eyes that my maid had been sneaking out of the house to meet her Mexican boyfriend and giving out my home address to literally, every Tom, Dick and Harry.
Then a series of little mishaps, my Touch 'N Go card refusing to work as I exited a shopping mall, my electric gate refusing to lock, my cheques bouncing because of the holiday period and the bank charging me RM100 for it, my son starting school with a schedule that no flexi-time could possibly adhere to. All this culminated in some rapid decision-making as 2006 handed over the torch to 2007. The live in maid structure goes, I will do everything myself with the help of a part timer. I am selling my house and buying a new apartment. Returning to full time and a full bank account has to wait until some dust settles.
I don't mean to begin the new year with a big whinge and frankly, I don't see it that way at all. In fact, I have discovered that while gardening is absilutely no fun at all, hanging clothes up to dry is.
Yes it's certainly an unusual situation to find oneself in and though some may argue I am denial, I think not. I am sitting alone in a dark house after throwing out the garbage with a wry smile on my face rather that in a pond of salty tears. The shit has hit the fan and funnily enough,I reckon that shit raining down on you is an experience one must savour at least once in their life time.
I guess, it's all a message, a cause and effect. Perhaps I ventured on with my life too soon. Rushed into things. Ran a hasty race. Cut too many corners. Too eager to get to the finish line first with all the trophies in hand. And certain foundations, pillars and corner stones were not put in place.
Lesson No. 1: You can't get from A to Z and bypass all the letters in the alphabet without a proper infrastructure in place.
So 2007 begins back at square 1. It's back to basics beginning with a process of re-evaluation, putting workable and reliable systems in place and only thereafter can the building blocks come out to play.
I suppose not everyone will have a blast doing this. It is in essence, taking several steps backwards, but a move that is both necessary and essential for any future growth. I am as ever, grateful for this to happen now - better sooner than later I have been saying.
This is not about of horrid luck, in fact, its a blessing in disguise.
So whilst I don't wish shit to rain down on everyone (there must be a better way of doing this!), but I do wish you all progress, smooth transitions and welcoming chapters.
New Year, New Beginnings
Happy New Year everyone. May 2007 bring you lashings of happiness, good fortune and health. May you find what it is you are looking for.
I certainly hope I do.
The fact that my microwave broke down as it was defrosting my leftover lasagna and my new-ish Nokia decided not to work as I was receiving new year messages left me wondering. As I pondered whether someone upstairs was trying to tell me something about my life, the pen I was writing with broke in half and my son dropped the house phone thereby rendering it unworkable.
This is after I discovered a few days before 2006 closed its sleepy eyes that my maid had been sneaking out of the house to meet her Mexican boyfriend and giving out my home address to literally, every Tom, Dick and Harry.
Then a series of little mishaps, my Touch 'N Go card refusing to work as I exited a shopping mall, my electric gate refusing to lock, my cheques bouncing because of the holiday period and the bank charging me RM100 for it, my son starting school with a schedule that no flexi-time could possibly adhere to. All this culminated in some rapid decision-making as 2006 handed over the torch to 2007. The live in maid structure goes, I will do everything myself with the help of a part timer. I am selling my house and buying a new apartment. Returning to full time and a full bank account has to wait until some dust settles.
I don't mean to begin the new year with a big whinge and frankly, I don't see it that way at all. In fact, I have discovered that while gardening is absilutely no fun at all, hanging clothes up to dry is.
Yes it's certainly an unusual situation to find oneself in and though some may argue I am denial, I think not. I am sitting alone in a dark house after throwing out the garbage with a wry smile on my face rather that in a pond of salty tears. The shit has hit the fan and funnily enough,I reckon that shit raining down on you is an experience one must savour at least once in their life time.
I guess, it's all a message, a cause and effect. Perhaps I ventured on with my life too soon. Rushed into things. Ran a hasty race. Cut too many corners. Too eager to get to the finish line first with all the trophies in hand. And certain foundations, pillars and corner stones were not put in place.
Lesson No. 1: You can't get from A to Z and bypass all the letters in the alphabet without a proper infrastructure in place.
So 2007 begins back at square 1. It's back to basics beginning with a process of re-evaluation, putting workable and reliable systems in place and only thereafter can the building blocks come out to play.
I suppose not everyone will have a blast doing this. It is in essence, taking several steps backwards, but a move that is both necessary and essential for any future growth. I am as ever, grateful for this to happen now - better sooner than later I have been saying.
This is not about of horrid luck, in fact, its a blessing in disguise.
So whilst I don't wish shit to rain down on everyone (there must be a better way of doing this!), but I do wish you all progress, smooth transitions and welcoming chapters.
I certainly hope I do.
The fact that my microwave broke down as it was defrosting my leftover lasagna and my new-ish Nokia decided not to work as I was receiving new year messages left me wondering. As I pondered whether someone upstairs was trying to tell me something about my life, the pen I was writing with broke in half and my son dropped the house phone thereby rendering it unworkable.
This is after I discovered a few days before 2006 closed its sleepy eyes that my maid had been sneaking out of the house to meet her Mexican boyfriend and giving out my home address to literally, every Tom, Dick and Harry.
Then a series of little mishaps, my Touch 'N Go card refusing to work as I exited a shopping mall, my electric gate refusing to lock, my cheques bouncing because of the holiday period and the bank charging me RM100 for it, my son starting school with a schedule that no flexi-time could possibly adhere to. All this culminated in some rapid decision-making as 2006 handed over the torch to 2007. The live in maid structure goes, I will do everything myself with the help of a part timer. I am selling my house and buying a new apartment. Returning to full time and a full bank account has to wait until some dust settles.
I don't mean to begin the new year with a big whinge and frankly, I don't see it that way at all. In fact, I have discovered that while gardening is absilutely no fun at all, hanging clothes up to dry is.
Yes it's certainly an unusual situation to find oneself in and though some may argue I am denial, I think not. I am sitting alone in a dark house after throwing out the garbage with a wry smile on my face rather that in a pond of salty tears. The shit has hit the fan and funnily enough,I reckon that shit raining down on you is an experience one must savour at least once in their life time.
I guess, it's all a message, a cause and effect. Perhaps I ventured on with my life too soon. Rushed into things. Ran a hasty race. Cut too many corners. Too eager to get to the finish line first with all the trophies in hand. And certain foundations, pillars and corner stones were not put in place.
Lesson No. 1: You can't get from A to Z and bypass all the letters in the alphabet without a proper infrastructure in place.
So 2007 begins back at square 1. It's back to basics beginning with a process of re-evaluation, putting workable and reliable systems in place and only thereafter can the building blocks come out to play.
I suppose not everyone will have a blast doing this. It is in essence, taking several steps backwards, but a move that is both necessary and essential for any future growth. I am as ever, grateful for this to happen now - better sooner than later I have been saying.
This is not about of horrid luck, in fact, its a blessing in disguise.
So whilst I don't wish shit to rain down on everyone (there must be a better way of doing this!), but I do wish you all progress, smooth transitions and welcoming chapters.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Let It Snow, let it snow, let it snow
Happy year-end all! Wishing you good tidings for the year ahead, may it be filled with happiness and fulfillment.
December is one of my favourite months in the year, apart from February which the month of my birthday, and June just because I like the sound of it. December is when people take time off work, dress in shorts, gush loudly about their holidays in the snow, bump into old friends in neighbourhood shopping malls, throw parties and are generous with the invitations, up the ante on charity work, make long distance calls and frankly, eat themselves silly. A time when young children cry at the realisation that snowflakes don't exist in Malaysia.
It's a time when people are relaxed, jolly, friendly and as genuinely caring as they are going to get in a town like KL. It's a time of nostalgia and hope, of spirit and energy. I think it's a time where people adopt a hidden grace and unlike the din of CNY where its actually expected of you to be big and brash, Christmas and New Year demands a certain refinement of character that suggests that all the well wishing may actually rub off on you after all.
Nonetheless, it's still an unbelievably hectic time of year. Of baking, shopping, eating and socialising. I really feel like I've slogged the whole year, where in actual fact, I've really just pushed myself in the last 3 weeks. My belly would make a moist char siu, my internal organs are groaning in unison from its squashed confinements, my eye are bags the size of the latest Samsonite model and my voice resembles a scratchy old record discovered in the attic.
The pressies have been good this year. I got a funky vanity case, M&S underwear, snacks and trinkets, Tom Parker Bowls' The Year Eating Dangerously, a carabiner, accessories, Pink Floyds's newly released The Wall DVD, a jar of home-made lemon curd and a tin of ginger biscuits. Yayy!
I am looking forward to welcoming the new year at home, with my son, watching the Star Wars special on telly. Maybe I'll throw another party. Hmmm...shall I, shall I??!
December is one of my favourite months in the year, apart from February which the month of my birthday, and June just because I like the sound of it. December is when people take time off work, dress in shorts, gush loudly about their holidays in the snow, bump into old friends in neighbourhood shopping malls, throw parties and are generous with the invitations, up the ante on charity work, make long distance calls and frankly, eat themselves silly. A time when young children cry at the realisation that snowflakes don't exist in Malaysia.
It's a time when people are relaxed, jolly, friendly and as genuinely caring as they are going to get in a town like KL. It's a time of nostalgia and hope, of spirit and energy. I think it's a time where people adopt a hidden grace and unlike the din of CNY where its actually expected of you to be big and brash, Christmas and New Year demands a certain refinement of character that suggests that all the well wishing may actually rub off on you after all.
Nonetheless, it's still an unbelievably hectic time of year. Of baking, shopping, eating and socialising. I really feel like I've slogged the whole year, where in actual fact, I've really just pushed myself in the last 3 weeks. My belly would make a moist char siu, my internal organs are groaning in unison from its squashed confinements, my eye are bags the size of the latest Samsonite model and my voice resembles a scratchy old record discovered in the attic.
The pressies have been good this year. I got a funky vanity case, M&S underwear, snacks and trinkets, Tom Parker Bowls' The Year Eating Dangerously, a carabiner, accessories, Pink Floyds's newly released The Wall DVD, a jar of home-made lemon curd and a tin of ginger biscuits. Yayy!
I am looking forward to welcoming the new year at home, with my son, watching the Star Wars special on telly. Maybe I'll throw another party. Hmmm...shall I, shall I??!
Friday, December 08, 2006
What is it about love?
That has us up in arms, entangled in questions, spun up in theories and rhetoric? How come it is that some people just have that je ne sais quois, that intangible magnetism, that draws romantic interest to them effortlessly, whilst others are so magnetically insipid they may as well as have dropped of the edge of Planet Love. And I'm not talking about looks or anything like that here. Whilst yes, it is probably correct to assume your regular celup VJ on telly openly gets more fanfare than the regular lian on the street, but then again, the regular lian on the street, may just well be the silent one to watch.
There exists a particular breed of female species of questionable origin (maybe they are aliens?) that appear in various forms. They range from superhot to super normal, some have blonde streaks, some have black roots, some prefer LV bags, others prefer knapsacks. But they all have one common denominator. They have an innate ability to draw men to them. In hordes.
No, these men don't flock, they throw themselves at these girls, not in search of something as banal as sex, but brandishing jewels, supplementary platinum cards, G3 phones and champagne roses - serving up their eternal love on gold platters alongside self-composed song lyrics and marriage proposals. And what have these girls done to be worthy recipients of so many suitors? Apparently, absolutely nothing.
"I was just crossing the road", claims one.
"All I did was smile", says another in defense.
Then there are the regulars (guess which category I fall into?), who are non-offensive, resonably intelligent, fun-loving and capable of a conversation or two. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Empty glass. No man, no woman. Nothing. Like the dry, dusty road in the middle of North Dakota that witnesses the pleasure of a passing car once in six months. Or is it a year?
Exactly how does this work? I just don't understand it. I've studied these chicks in action and I am sad to say, I am no closer to their secrets than before - is it in the wink, the subtle drop of the eyes, the manicured toes, the accidental brush of a shoulder? I just don't know.
A bunch of girly friends and I practiced our "come hither" looks last night which had us rolling on the floor, cackling like hyenas rather than smouldering like seductive goddesses. Maybe we should have spent our time painting our toe nails instead.
Whatever it is, kudos girlies with the pearlies. Perhaps one day, you will share. Meanwhile, the market is yours to conquer!
There exists a particular breed of female species of questionable origin (maybe they are aliens?) that appear in various forms. They range from superhot to super normal, some have blonde streaks, some have black roots, some prefer LV bags, others prefer knapsacks. But they all have one common denominator. They have an innate ability to draw men to them. In hordes.
No, these men don't flock, they throw themselves at these girls, not in search of something as banal as sex, but brandishing jewels, supplementary platinum cards, G3 phones and champagne roses - serving up their eternal love on gold platters alongside self-composed song lyrics and marriage proposals. And what have these girls done to be worthy recipients of so many suitors? Apparently, absolutely nothing.
"I was just crossing the road", claims one.
"All I did was smile", says another in defense.
Then there are the regulars (guess which category I fall into?), who are non-offensive, resonably intelligent, fun-loving and capable of a conversation or two. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Empty glass. No man, no woman. Nothing. Like the dry, dusty road in the middle of North Dakota that witnesses the pleasure of a passing car once in six months. Or is it a year?
Exactly how does this work? I just don't understand it. I've studied these chicks in action and I am sad to say, I am no closer to their secrets than before - is it in the wink, the subtle drop of the eyes, the manicured toes, the accidental brush of a shoulder? I just don't know.
A bunch of girly friends and I practiced our "come hither" looks last night which had us rolling on the floor, cackling like hyenas rather than smouldering like seductive goddesses. Maybe we should have spent our time painting our toe nails instead.
Whatever it is, kudos girlies with the pearlies. Perhaps one day, you will share. Meanwhile, the market is yours to conquer!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
No Words
Yesterday, a friend walked into work, turned on his computer, opened his emails like we do day in, day out and discovered that his brother had passed away a week ago. It's not the best news to start the day off with, but then again, is there ever a good time for bad news?
I imagine he must have been in a daze, but he was surrounded by support, and the presence of a Tibetan monk, that whilst in no way makes the pain any lesser, is more than what most people have around them and I guess, makes that first day easier to deal with in the face of the many to come.
I watched my friend blink back the tears and carry on, step by step. I only imagine how difficult it must have been. And today is another day. Another day to carry the loss, and another day closer to healing.
Compassion welled up within me and my throat choked with emotion, yet I could find no words to say, no actions to impart that could make the pain go away.
Death confounds me. Over the years, I have come to realise that I don't know how to deal with it. Therefore, I have admired from a physical distance as my closest and dearest friends and family move through the motions of mourning the departed.
I would not say I am fortunate to be spared the experience so far, for whilst I do not wish death to come anytime soon or under tragic circumstances, I am aware that it is inevitable and so is dealing with it. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but it will somewhere down the line. I can only imagine the shock and pain and I truly doubt that I have it in me to see it through with grace.
I can only express my highest regard for people around me who have lost a mother, a father, a brother, a sister or a child. For they hold themselves up so well in the face of grief, and moved on in acceptance. It's strength in at its steeliest, bravery at its best and I have nothing but utmost admiration in return.
I just want to say to my friends and family who have lost, and you know who you are - that I am sorry I did not comfort you at a time it was most needed, for it's not that I do not care, it's just that I don't know how. I only know how to make people smile, but in the face of death, smiling just doesn't seem to be right. I have racked my mind for the most appropriate thing to say but it doesn't exist. Even sending my condolences or saying "I'm sorry" seems empty. Please take my silent presence as support for that's as much as I know how to give.
I imagine he must have been in a daze, but he was surrounded by support, and the presence of a Tibetan monk, that whilst in no way makes the pain any lesser, is more than what most people have around them and I guess, makes that first day easier to deal with in the face of the many to come.
I watched my friend blink back the tears and carry on, step by step. I only imagine how difficult it must have been. And today is another day. Another day to carry the loss, and another day closer to healing.
Compassion welled up within me and my throat choked with emotion, yet I could find no words to say, no actions to impart that could make the pain go away.
Death confounds me. Over the years, I have come to realise that I don't know how to deal with it. Therefore, I have admired from a physical distance as my closest and dearest friends and family move through the motions of mourning the departed.
I would not say I am fortunate to be spared the experience so far, for whilst I do not wish death to come anytime soon or under tragic circumstances, I am aware that it is inevitable and so is dealing with it. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but it will somewhere down the line. I can only imagine the shock and pain and I truly doubt that I have it in me to see it through with grace.
I can only express my highest regard for people around me who have lost a mother, a father, a brother, a sister or a child. For they hold themselves up so well in the face of grief, and moved on in acceptance. It's strength in at its steeliest, bravery at its best and I have nothing but utmost admiration in return.
I just want to say to my friends and family who have lost, and you know who you are - that I am sorry I did not comfort you at a time it was most needed, for it's not that I do not care, it's just that I don't know how. I only know how to make people smile, but in the face of death, smiling just doesn't seem to be right. I have racked my mind for the most appropriate thing to say but it doesn't exist. Even sending my condolences or saying "I'm sorry" seems empty. Please take my silent presence as support for that's as much as I know how to give.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
It's that time of the month when I.....
* Wonder why my life resembles the plot of Das Boot
* Ask myself what I want and my answers are the same as my son's - KitKat Chunky, KitKat Lemon Cheesecake, KitKat White Chunky, KitKat, KitKat, KitKat
* Sob uncontrollably watching festive commercials
* Turn into a knife-wielding psycho if my maid slices the carrots diagonally instead of julliening them
* Suck in my stomach and I still look alot like Roseanne Barr
* Have options but consider them to be obstacles
* Want to drink - alot - but can't handle the hangover(s)
* Think my life is hopeless and it is
* Truly believe that I will die the infatuated old woman at the beginning of Superman Returns minus the money
* Fool myself into believing that chee cheong fun, nasi lemak and Frosties cornflakes contain no carbohydrates nor sugar nor fat
* Want to buy a carton of Salem Lights and smoke the night away
* Dream of climbing but paranoid that I might leave a giant red stain on the wall that might be mistaken as a hand hold
*Actually buy daisies and rip out their petals whilst melodiously singing, "he loves me", "he loves me not" and then tearing their heads out of their stems
* Am so bloated, I may just float away like a giant red balloon.
Happy, happy Mid Week everyone!
* Ask myself what I want and my answers are the same as my son's - KitKat Chunky, KitKat Lemon Cheesecake, KitKat White Chunky, KitKat, KitKat, KitKat
* Sob uncontrollably watching festive commercials
* Turn into a knife-wielding psycho if my maid slices the carrots diagonally instead of julliening them
* Suck in my stomach and I still look alot like Roseanne Barr
* Have options but consider them to be obstacles
* Want to drink - alot - but can't handle the hangover(s)
* Think my life is hopeless and it is
* Truly believe that I will die the infatuated old woman at the beginning of Superman Returns minus the money
* Fool myself into believing that chee cheong fun, nasi lemak and Frosties cornflakes contain no carbohydrates nor sugar nor fat
* Want to buy a carton of Salem Lights and smoke the night away
* Dream of climbing but paranoid that I might leave a giant red stain on the wall that might be mistaken as a hand hold
*Actually buy daisies and rip out their petals whilst melodiously singing, "he loves me", "he loves me not" and then tearing their heads out of their stems
* Am so bloated, I may just float away like a giant red balloon.
Happy, happy Mid Week everyone!
Friday, November 17, 2006
School's Out!
Today is the last day my son will spend in his nursery school. It's the closing of a chapter for him and come January he will begin a new one as he steps beyond the gates of a big new school with red uniforms.
He skips happily to his classroom and it is me who feels the sadness creep up. As I walk down the long open hallways, pass the mini toilets and gaily-coloured pictures of friendly lions, I wonder if he knows that life for him is about to take one of its many twists and turns - you know, those inevitable ones that change everything as you know it to be.
I am the one sending out notes to the Mums, desperately willing for them to call me lest our children lose touch. When I think back to my primary school days and recall my best friends then, all I can see are blurred images with form but no features. Sadly, they are the ones that I've not kept in touch with since school broke out.
The older I get and as time winds its course around, the childish quality of detachment gets slowly eroded away and I find myself increasingly reaching out and grasping whatever I can to just try and slow it down. Permanence is always elusive, forever out of reach.
He skips happily to his classroom and it is me who feels the sadness creep up. As I walk down the long open hallways, pass the mini toilets and gaily-coloured pictures of friendly lions, I wonder if he knows that life for him is about to take one of its many twists and turns - you know, those inevitable ones that change everything as you know it to be.
I am the one sending out notes to the Mums, desperately willing for them to call me lest our children lose touch. When I think back to my primary school days and recall my best friends then, all I can see are blurred images with form but no features. Sadly, they are the ones that I've not kept in touch with since school broke out.
The older I get and as time winds its course around, the childish quality of detachment gets slowly eroded away and I find myself increasingly reaching out and grasping whatever I can to just try and slow it down. Permanence is always elusive, forever out of reach.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Nowhere
If only you knew
How I've tried to erase
Your eyes from my gaze
The smile on your face
If only you knew
About my spirit you've enlivened
The sins that I’ve forgiven
Of being shy once bitten
If only you knew
The rush of my heart
Yet the calm I impart
Each time you depart
If only you knew
Of the stories of our lives
You would be surprised
To see the world I've weaved and contrived
If only you knew
Of the heart I wish I could fill
Your soul I would capture
The passion we could instill
'Cos then we wouldn’t be here
Me at mine, you at yours
Way past midnight
Wondering if there could be more
If only you knew, if only you knew
If only
How I've tried to erase
Your eyes from my gaze
The smile on your face
If only you knew
About my spirit you've enlivened
The sins that I’ve forgiven
Of being shy once bitten
If only you knew
The rush of my heart
Yet the calm I impart
Each time you depart
If only you knew
Of the stories of our lives
You would be surprised
To see the world I've weaved and contrived
If only you knew
Of the heart I wish I could fill
Your soul I would capture
The passion we could instill
'Cos then we wouldn’t be here
Me at mine, you at yours
Way past midnight
Wondering if there could be more
If only you knew, if only you knew
If only
Monday, November 13, 2006
Worried Wart
If you could add up all the time that you spent doing something completely worthless, you could add a good 10 years to your life I reckon.
Take worrying, for example. Some worrying is good, mind you. Like if you are worried about an exam, it may just be the impetus you need to get some revision done.
The worrying I'm talking about is the type that is completely unfounded. Ie. the one that has nothing to do with what's going on outside, but everythng to do with what's going on inside - in your mind to be exact.
Those who read my last blog entry and those who spoke to me last week would have known of the plight that consumed me 24 hours a day for about 7 days. I fussed over my diet, over whether to rest or to climb more that week, and nights were restless as I went over moves on imaginary routes in my mind. I was tired before I even began.
Saturday came and went, as did Sunday and I realised from the moment I sat down to listen to the instructer, white-knuckled and tense, to the moment I unclipped my last quickdraw at the bottom of the route in Batu Caves, I realised that I had been wasting my time.
And I don't mean the lead climbing course.
I did not get kicked off the class, did not do anything unneccessarily stupid (except for forgetting to clip myself to the anchor on my first climb and for not screw-locking my carabina on the daisy chain). I may not have known the answer to some of the basics, but then again, I was there to learn. I was in essence, qualified to attend. And to appease my inner kiasu bitch, I don't think I was any lesser or weaker a climber than the rest of the 6 people who were on the same course, all of whom were male, by the way.
I have to consiously remind myself of how well I have done, how committed I am to it, how hard I work at it, and how lucky I am to have found a sport I can see myself doing for years to come. (Right now, I think I could devote my life to it, but that's cos I'm on a high.)
I do wonder that if I can apply this kind of self confidence to other areas of my life, that would a large problem solved wouldn't it? Why are we always doubting before we have a chance to prove ourselves? Why do we rely on reassurance to find our confidence?
I will never ever doubt my climbing again. Or allow anyone to cast a shadow of doubt over it. No, I am not a superb climber but I am not talking about standards here. I'm giving myself (the one with the forked tail sitting on my shoulder) a hard talking-to about knowing what I can do and what my limits are. It's highly personal information that only I am privy to and therefore nobody alive is in the position to sway me into self-doubt.
On that note, climbing ROCKS!
Take worrying, for example. Some worrying is good, mind you. Like if you are worried about an exam, it may just be the impetus you need to get some revision done.
The worrying I'm talking about is the type that is completely unfounded. Ie. the one that has nothing to do with what's going on outside, but everythng to do with what's going on inside - in your mind to be exact.
Those who read my last blog entry and those who spoke to me last week would have known of the plight that consumed me 24 hours a day for about 7 days. I fussed over my diet, over whether to rest or to climb more that week, and nights were restless as I went over moves on imaginary routes in my mind. I was tired before I even began.
Saturday came and went, as did Sunday and I realised from the moment I sat down to listen to the instructer, white-knuckled and tense, to the moment I unclipped my last quickdraw at the bottom of the route in Batu Caves, I realised that I had been wasting my time.
And I don't mean the lead climbing course.
I did not get kicked off the class, did not do anything unneccessarily stupid (except for forgetting to clip myself to the anchor on my first climb and for not screw-locking my carabina on the daisy chain). I may not have known the answer to some of the basics, but then again, I was there to learn. I was in essence, qualified to attend. And to appease my inner kiasu bitch, I don't think I was any lesser or weaker a climber than the rest of the 6 people who were on the same course, all of whom were male, by the way.
I have to consiously remind myself of how well I have done, how committed I am to it, how hard I work at it, and how lucky I am to have found a sport I can see myself doing for years to come. (Right now, I think I could devote my life to it, but that's cos I'm on a high.)
I do wonder that if I can apply this kind of self confidence to other areas of my life, that would a large problem solved wouldn't it? Why are we always doubting before we have a chance to prove ourselves? Why do we rely on reassurance to find our confidence?
I will never ever doubt my climbing again. Or allow anyone to cast a shadow of doubt over it. No, I am not a superb climber but I am not talking about standards here. I'm giving myself (the one with the forked tail sitting on my shoulder) a hard talking-to about knowing what I can do and what my limits are. It's highly personal information that only I am privy to and therefore nobody alive is in the position to sway me into self-doubt.
On that note, climbing ROCKS!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
You Are What You Eat
So there I am sitting underneath the 6B+ route wondering why I can't reach the top when I had done so on two previous occassions, and why my climbing buddy yesterday could practise - practise - his he-moves on the purple (probably 6a) when I couldn't even lift my torso above the small - small - overhang at the top. It is a route I know I can fly up and I don't why I was struggling.
Now, I'm taking the plunge and taking the lead course this weekend, which means large falls are in order. There are climbers who climb far better than me who don't feel they are ready to do it. Yet, I'm impatient to get to the good stuff and well, some people think I'm ready, and I would love to believe them.
But I simply cannot afford to climb like the woose that I have been in the last few weeks and scramble up a 6a. To say that I am nervous does not do my wobbly jellied stomach any justice. I have been obsessing about lead climbing for the longest time and being the irratic climber that I have been just does not cut it.
So I have spent many hours pondering about my suddenly atrocious climbing. Bad habits overtake technique when you are desperate to make a move. I'm placing my hands far too high above my head, not twisting enough for holds and not using techniques like the drop knee that I have learned (and used!).
Then I realised my diet. When I was eating anything I could get my hands on - ie. overloading - I was strong - in fact, I had to consciously tell myself to let my feet do the work and not my upper body. Then I became vegetarian for a month and quite frankly, that killed my climbing ability - I just did not have the strength to get very far. I really began climbing like an idiot. Then I started eating like a pig again and then climbing improved. But now, since I've been on Atkins, I am findung that whilst I have the strength to get quite high up the wall, I don't have the endurance. I get pumped so easily it's not funny.
So theoretically, if I begin including carbohydrates again in my food this week, I ought to be on track to climb up 6Bs without red pointing it. Ahh, if only it were that easy. The confidence is rattled and without that, you could have all the muscle in the world but it would still have you climbing like an idiot.
So what to do? Neorvous like hell. The course is from 10-3 on Sat and Sun and I just have a nasty feeling I'm going to make a complete fool of myself in front of everyone. It's like being back at school again and not being able to do the math.
Inner voice speaks:
This attitude won't do! You know you can handle 6Bs! You have done it indoors and outdoors! You just need to eat properly and you will be fine! You are just as capable as eveyone else on the course! No the instructer is not going to pick on you! Stop acting like a big baby!
Yeah yeah whatever....Boohooo, I'm scared!
Now, I'm taking the plunge and taking the lead course this weekend, which means large falls are in order. There are climbers who climb far better than me who don't feel they are ready to do it. Yet, I'm impatient to get to the good stuff and well, some people think I'm ready, and I would love to believe them.
But I simply cannot afford to climb like the woose that I have been in the last few weeks and scramble up a 6a. To say that I am nervous does not do my wobbly jellied stomach any justice. I have been obsessing about lead climbing for the longest time and being the irratic climber that I have been just does not cut it.
So I have spent many hours pondering about my suddenly atrocious climbing. Bad habits overtake technique when you are desperate to make a move. I'm placing my hands far too high above my head, not twisting enough for holds and not using techniques like the drop knee that I have learned (and used!).
Then I realised my diet. When I was eating anything I could get my hands on - ie. overloading - I was strong - in fact, I had to consciously tell myself to let my feet do the work and not my upper body. Then I became vegetarian for a month and quite frankly, that killed my climbing ability - I just did not have the strength to get very far. I really began climbing like an idiot. Then I started eating like a pig again and then climbing improved. But now, since I've been on Atkins, I am findung that whilst I have the strength to get quite high up the wall, I don't have the endurance. I get pumped so easily it's not funny.
So theoretically, if I begin including carbohydrates again in my food this week, I ought to be on track to climb up 6Bs without red pointing it. Ahh, if only it were that easy. The confidence is rattled and without that, you could have all the muscle in the world but it would still have you climbing like an idiot.
So what to do? Neorvous like hell. The course is from 10-3 on Sat and Sun and I just have a nasty feeling I'm going to make a complete fool of myself in front of everyone. It's like being back at school again and not being able to do the math.
Inner voice speaks:
This attitude won't do! You know you can handle 6Bs! You have done it indoors and outdoors! You just need to eat properly and you will be fine! You are just as capable as eveyone else on the course! No the instructer is not going to pick on you! Stop acting like a big baby!
Yeah yeah whatever....Boohooo, I'm scared!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
May The Force Be With You
I am the classic consumer. The one you want walking into your shop. Throw me anything with a story, and most likely, I'll lap it up and buy one in every colour.
Lately, strange things have been happening, that have lead to even stranger things. It began with the snatching of the handbag. Then came the losing of the parking ticket and subsequent RM50 fine. Then the three failed attempts to the IC department to apply for a replacement - it just so happens that each time I went, their system happened to be down. And then the corresponsing 3 - also failed - attempts to KLCC Maybank to bank in cash - because funnily enough, their system was also down. The straw on the camel's back? Maybank charging me RM50 for being overdrawn as a result of a cheque clearing before I could bank in the money.
My yoga-practicing friends urged me to clear my qi. The chakras were clogged, they said. Practive yoga everyday and sweat it out, said one. Come visit my friend, a crystal healer, said the other.
The consumer in me stirred and I ran, money in hand, in hope for solutions in return.
What I got out of my crystal healer was not what I expected. Firstly, by peering into my chakras she saw thoughts and feelings that I had not even begun to put into words. Things old and new that I had known inside but not outside. I came out feeling refreshed - yes - like I just had a good cry. And for days after I felt calmer, more settled and for once, accepting.
But now, a few weeks later, I am faced with several unanswered questions. You know, those that don't have an answer? Those that you will probably have to search your whole life for and then discover on your death bed that there is no answer?
Do you believe in the universe? Not just about the existence of the planets and stuff they teach you in encyclopaedias, but the energies that dwell within. Do you believe in 'angels'?
The whole notion of asking from the universe and receiving, is foreign to me. Reward was always something you earned, something you did more than just will. But the more I think of it, the more it makes sense. Why would I not receive if I asked? If the universe is loving, if good and bad are principles created by man and therefore inapplicable in the larger scheme of things, why would I be deemed to receive if I merely asked?
It does appear to be the easy way out. Want something? Well, just ask for it. But isn't that what we do sub consciously anyway? It's no secret that you can will things to happen because without realising it, you are conditioning your mind and will to achieve it.
Strange but true. Since my session with the healer, new opportunitities have come my way. And I suppose it would be easy to say that they came because I asked the universe. But equally easy also to say that they came because the session centred the subject in my mind and I talked to people about them and when you do, I suppose opportunities make themselves seen.
I don't claim to fully understand the power of the universe and how it works. But if anything came from cleaning my chakras, it was a reminder of the power of the universe and the reinforcement that yes, things do happen by what we view as chance - messages sent from someone/something upstairs to draw our attentions. And then, once we are engaged, our minds and will are powerfil. We do the rest of the work really.
We do determine the path of our own lives ultimately, but I believe, within a pre-detemined setting and unseen parameters, and certainly with a little help along the way.
That's what I believe anyway. Right now. But who knows? What I believed 10 years ago, I don't now, so who's to say what new beliefs lie in the future. But that's life isn't it? Change.
Lately, strange things have been happening, that have lead to even stranger things. It began with the snatching of the handbag. Then came the losing of the parking ticket and subsequent RM50 fine. Then the three failed attempts to the IC department to apply for a replacement - it just so happens that each time I went, their system happened to be down. And then the corresponsing 3 - also failed - attempts to KLCC Maybank to bank in cash - because funnily enough, their system was also down. The straw on the camel's back? Maybank charging me RM50 for being overdrawn as a result of a cheque clearing before I could bank in the money.
My yoga-practicing friends urged me to clear my qi. The chakras were clogged, they said. Practive yoga everyday and sweat it out, said one. Come visit my friend, a crystal healer, said the other.
The consumer in me stirred and I ran, money in hand, in hope for solutions in return.
What I got out of my crystal healer was not what I expected. Firstly, by peering into my chakras she saw thoughts and feelings that I had not even begun to put into words. Things old and new that I had known inside but not outside. I came out feeling refreshed - yes - like I just had a good cry. And for days after I felt calmer, more settled and for once, accepting.
But now, a few weeks later, I am faced with several unanswered questions. You know, those that don't have an answer? Those that you will probably have to search your whole life for and then discover on your death bed that there is no answer?
Do you believe in the universe? Not just about the existence of the planets and stuff they teach you in encyclopaedias, but the energies that dwell within. Do you believe in 'angels'?
The whole notion of asking from the universe and receiving, is foreign to me. Reward was always something you earned, something you did more than just will. But the more I think of it, the more it makes sense. Why would I not receive if I asked? If the universe is loving, if good and bad are principles created by man and therefore inapplicable in the larger scheme of things, why would I be deemed to receive if I merely asked?
It does appear to be the easy way out. Want something? Well, just ask for it. But isn't that what we do sub consciously anyway? It's no secret that you can will things to happen because without realising it, you are conditioning your mind and will to achieve it.
Strange but true. Since my session with the healer, new opportunitities have come my way. And I suppose it would be easy to say that they came because I asked the universe. But equally easy also to say that they came because the session centred the subject in my mind and I talked to people about them and when you do, I suppose opportunities make themselves seen.
I don't claim to fully understand the power of the universe and how it works. But if anything came from cleaning my chakras, it was a reminder of the power of the universe and the reinforcement that yes, things do happen by what we view as chance - messages sent from someone/something upstairs to draw our attentions. And then, once we are engaged, our minds and will are powerfil. We do the rest of the work really.
We do determine the path of our own lives ultimately, but I believe, within a pre-detemined setting and unseen parameters, and certainly with a little help along the way.
That's what I believe anyway. Right now. But who knows? What I believed 10 years ago, I don't now, so who's to say what new beliefs lie in the future. But that's life isn't it? Change.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Say No To This!
Isn't Edwin a genius?I don't know why he didn't post this. It is by far my favourite photo of the Fairground Series.
It was the second ride we went on - when we were in between feeling really good and really bad, so it was a good ride.
Did I mention we are going again this weekend? And bringing suckers with us? It's going to be a hoot!
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